Three Hurrays for Candyman!

CCvstSR:WWW? has added a third writer to it's ranks, the infamous Candyman. Some of you may know him as Moonpieboy or even "Bert", this young man promises to add a great deal to an already so-cool-it-fucking-knocks-you-over website. "Bert" has assured me in his own words that he will contribute some exciting articles to this "blob".

Monk-News: Bush to Citizens of Fallujah: "Prepare to Be Liberated From the Tyranny of this Foolish Mortal Coil"

On the eve of what top American generals expect to be the fiercest fighting the United States army has faced since Vietnam, President Bush made a heart-felt speech to the citizens of Fallujah, promising to do all he can to "liberate them from the tyranny of this foolish mortal coil.". With a warm farewell sent to the people of Fallujah as they "bravely face the great hereafter", Bush said that years of suffering under the tyranny of Sadaam Hussein and a "mad world, devoid of reason or compassion" have finally come to an end.

While he would not diverge details, he did assure reporters that the principal tools of liberating the Iraqi people included napalm, depleted uranium shells, and the Bradley M2/A3 Tracked Armour Fighting Vehicle. Bush assured the Iraqi people that he "would not rest" until they were completely free from "the meaningless absurdity of our uncaring world".

At one particularly moving point in his speech, Bush quietly looked down, with a single noble tear trickling down from his eye. He then asked the audience: "What is a man? But a worthless pile of secrets? Are our lives anything but a collection of foolish dreams and ambitions that are dashed upon the rocks by the capricious fates for a moment's sport? Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."

When pressed by a reporter, Bush confirmed that the main reasons for his desire to free the Iraqi people were "the uncaring hand of a blind, fool God" and the Administration's position that "All existence is but the fickle whim of time and circumstance, doomed to be swept away by the inexpungeable forces of entropy". In response to critics of his policy, Bush simply replied "The Sun sets on us all, to believe otherwise is the nakedest of folly."

Snowbot's World: Can America Afford to Turn Her Back to Zombies?

It's late at night and you are driving home in your Lexus LS, with your Starbucks in one hand and your cellphone to your ear. You reach your destination and leave your car with the intent of entering your suburban home and sitting down to Sex and the City. But you stop short as you hear your trash can being knocked over from somewhere obscurred by shadows. "Who's there!?" you call out in a strained voice. Out of the shadows a silhouette forms, gradually transforming into an undead creature....

BAM! You blast the zombie with your pistol right in between the eyes. It falls like dead weight, and you drag him into the garbage.

You make me sick.

People today are too easily swayed by all the media hype about zombies being dangerous, zombies eating people, zombies vomitting acid, yaddayaddayadda. In short, its steaming pile of politically aimed bullshit. I am sick of listening to sound bytes of George Dubbuya talking about the crises our nation is in. This "War on Zombies". As proven by visionaries like George Romero, zombies can in fact be tamed and utilized for the benefit of mankind. ZOMBIES ARE AMERICAS GREATEST UNTAPPED RESOURCE.

Think of what the domestication of the common zombie could do for society. Got a mouse problem and your cat wont get off its fuzzy little ass? No problem, just dont feed the zombie for a day and it will be drooling all over the house for the little critters. Are you a special needs individual who is tired of waiting on the absurdly long list of people waiting for a seeing eye dog? Three words: seeing eye zombie. Are you afraid for your families security but dont want to risk keeping a gun in the home? Fence a zombie within your yard. World hungar? Eat zombies. War on Terror? Send zombies to Iraq. You want to create jobs in America? Then why are we throwing away such potential markets as zombie hunting, zombie taming, not to mention the manufacture of zombie feed and other countless merchendising oportunities.

All I am saying is this: Next time you see a wild zombie trying to find some raw meat in your gargage can, have a heart. Think twice before putting a hole in its head. It was once a person like you or me. Lets do the humane thing and enslave them for the benefit of us still living. Ensure your children the future they deserve.

Three Hurrays for Snowbot!

CCvstSR:WWW has added a second editor to it's ranks, the notorious snowbot! Let's give him a warm reception! I look for Snowbot to add a bit of class to this blog that has been sorely lacking.

Snowbot is a true genius, who has been hand-picked for his excellent contributions to many different academic disciplines. Even the new animated "email" gif is his creation, what a top-notch fellow! Three Hurrays for Snowbot!

Monkspider Investigates: American Adventurism in Western Asia: A Russian Plot to Weaken Britain?

American adventurism in Central and Western Asia, is it all a play on the part of the Russians to weaken the British?

An Analysis of Modern Geo-Strategic Objectives in the Greater Middle-Eastern Conflict by Monkspider

Intellectuals all across Europe, from Zurich to Vienna, from Frankfurt to Brussels, have come up with an infinite number of theories regarding the motives regarding America's disturbing move toward adventurism in Central and Western Asia. Many have seen it as a move for control of strategic resources, as America's industrial base continues to outpace that of Europe, the rich coal and petroleum reserves of Arabia surely must prove to be too attractive to America's captains of industry to resist. However, an increasing number of rogue professors have seriously considered the theory that America's leaders have fallen under the influence of St. Petersburg, and thaAt recent developments are nothing more than a continuation of Russian policy to weaken the British position in Central-Asia.

Consider Russia's long-standing policy to gain a stranglehold on the central Asian states, and to weaken the position of the British in Afghanistan and Persia. There would be nothing that would please the Russian bear more than to have a friendly client state in Afghanistan, though she herself has failed to gain hegemony through traditional means, under the auspices of American military might, she finally has acheived her long-sought after dream.

Now let us take under consideration Russia's other principal rival: Germany. What has been the single most divisive issue between the two great powers? The expansion of German economic interests in Iraq, including talk of a great railway. Perhaps no other issue has contributed to pushing Russia into the arms of France so strongly. What could be a better way to stamp out German influence than to form a secret alliance with the Americans and fund an full-scale invasion? Surely the rest of Europe would not risk war on account of the actions of the Americans? Russia can then deny any link to the American actions, while America's leaders are fed millions of rubles every year for their cooperation.

With Iraq and Afghanistan firmly in the arms of the Russian bear, she can exert influence on Persia and finally gain the warm-water port that she has dreamed about since time immemorial, and challenge the strength of Her Majesty's navy in the Indian Ocean. With all the blustering on the part of America's leaders regarding Persia's "illegal weapons of mass destruction" , you can rest assured that Russia has America's cannons pointing towards Tehran next...

If Russia does indeed gain control of Persia, she would indisputably become the world's most powerful nation. If action is not taken against Russia now, Europe wil recognise that Russia has become so strong, so inexpugnable, so super-abundantly filled with power, that in no case will Russia ever again take any account of them, and so, far from paying any attention to their opinions or wishes, they will be ready and able to crush them with irresistible power at every moment and in every place, now that they have seized everything they wanted. Then in fear and trembling the rest of Europe will have no choice but to close their eyes to everything, and be content to await what will be the end of it all.

The Concert of Europe must stand united in the face of this new wave of Russian aggression.

Monkspider Reviews: Disney's The Haunted Mansion: The Most Dangerous Film of All-Time

Let me just start up by clearing something up, this film is not an exploitation film. Anyone that watches it based on that assumption is missing the whole idea of the movie. Director Rob Minkoff made this film as an indictment of society, culture, and history. The film is about fascism, neo-fascism, and capitalism, and the images on the screen are not to be taken at face value, but as metaphors for contemporary society, politics and Disney's award-winning "Walt Disney World"(TM) attraction of the same name. The sexual depravity shown on the screen, the coprophagy, the torture, it is all symbolic.

For example, the children in the film are forced to eat excrement becuase Minkoff believed that contemporary culture and society was excrement, and thus was force feeding us, the consumer, with excrement. Let me tell you, he had a real tough one getting that past Disney's censors.

The most interesting aspect of this film is that Minkoff, a homosexual, linked homosexuality with death and fascism. Why after portraying homosexuality in a beautiful way in his earlier works did Minkoff change his tune, nobody knows. Some think he lost his mind while making this movie, others think that top Disney execs forced his hand on this issue. What the truth is will never be known.

Many don't like the film because Minkoff makes the victims out to be emotionless and doesn't allow us to pity them. But thats just what he wanted! By watching the movie, we are like the victims, allowing ourselves to be abused and also being a spectator to abuse. Again, everything in this film is done for a reason. Eddie Murphy's brilliant performance adds to it's genius.

Before watching this film you should be familiar with de Sade, Dante's Inferno, and have some basic understanding of fascism and its history. If you lack any of these three elements, don't watch the movie because you will not get it at all. Again, don't watch this movie at face value. It is one of the sickest, most disturbing films ever made, and it is that way for a reason. Not for shock value or to get banned in country after country, but to make a statement. This film is so dangerous that it is believed by many that Minkoff was assassinated for making it. If everyone got this movie, the world would be in deep trouble.